You know what? Fuck it. I will cease to count the days between posts containing TWH appearing on my blog for fear I seem like an insane fangirlTM. For that matter I will cease counting the days between any and all themed posts. It is my blog, I and no one else is responsible for the content. I refuse to feign indifference or mitigate my enthusiasm for any topic or thing I take interest in - and I absolutely refuse to do it to avoid being thought of as one of the mindless, objectifying, disgusting ‘my ovaries are so gone’ screeching hellswarm. (I especially like that kind of fangirling when it’s interspersed with frothing feminism about objectifying women’s bodies. Irony is a bitch.) I refuse to rob myself of the enjoyment of sharing magnificent fanart, quotes, research results and elaborate headcanons just because some people go about their own enthusiasm in ways that I could not agree less with. I refuse to only address my interest if it’s ‘acceptable’ for my internalised intellectual snob. Gary Oldman is as good an actor in The fifth element as he is in Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead, just as Glenn Close is as BAMF as Karin Anderson as she is as Cruella De Vil and I will recognise both kinds of cinematography in their proper place - different shelves in my heart, but in my heart nonetheless.
I promise to continue tagging faithfully, please feel free to blacklist anything or send me an ask if you want me to start employing a specific tag for a specific kind of post. I hope we will have as much fun together in future as we did for the past two years. Thank you.
Malfoys or Ensiferum next gen? You decide.
A 7 year old boy in Virginia was suspended from school after he pointed his pencil at a fellow student and said, “bang!” Even worse, he pointed at another student and said, “would not bang.”
As a British person, I can relate
As a non-British person, I can still relate.
Ozwald Boateng A/W 2012
So that’s what a Poirot anime would look like!
Boudicca would wreck shit.
Game of Thrones S03: My Understanding so Far
Kehlstein, Germany (by mars198356)
‘Cock’ is actually a pretty damn old euphemism. It appears in some middle English poetry as ‘cok’, if that tells you anything. Officially it doesn’t enter widespread use until as late as the seventeenth century, but that doesn’t stop poets and monks as far back as the eleventh century from alluding to the way a fighting-cock’s wattles turn red and stiff during a battle.
Depending upon the character, I imagine Tolkien could have got a lot of variety in his dingdong discussions. Archaic terms for ‘penis’ are not only richly varied but highly regional— see the ‘langer’ in Ireland, or the ridiculous-sounding ‘todger’ in the UK/Australia. And I do believe Tolkien came up with not one, but several Elvish words for penis: gwî for poetic use (elves writin’ porn yeeeah) and gwib for daily use, plus puntl in case you need to contrast two elves’ differing backgrounds. (I don’t believe we have a Noldor ‘penis’, but having variety in slang is always good for characterization.) [Source]
As for the dwarves, I have shamelessly used Khuzdul-sounding English terms like pud and lome (fifteenth-century slang referring to a ‘loom’). I can also see the dwarves using terms like ‘tool’ and ‘shaft’ much more readily than most other races, since they are workin’ dudes.
Humans can go with damn near anything. I prefer to give them more modernized, recognizable terms for ‘penis’, since we’re supposed to share genetic material anyway and we might as well communicate with each other. (And by ‘modernized’ I mean ‘sixteenth century or later’.) ‘Cock’, ‘prick’, ‘tool’, and perhaps ‘dick’ all work here. (If you’re not writing erotica, ‘pizzle’ and ‘piece’ are common terms. We’re also now treading on Shakespearean grounds, where spontaneous euphemism has become much more widely bandied and recognizable.)
Hobbits are a little tricky. On the one hand, the roly-poly provincial way Tolkien portrays his hobbits makes me shrug and think, okay, ‘todger’ it is. On the other hand, I don’t particularly want to write all my hobbits as shy violets who use polite euphemisms for everything. So lately I’ve been trying out some of the simpler archaics: ‘pin’ (or ‘pyne’), ‘yard’ (as a stick, a unit of measure), ‘stud’, and (of course) ‘cock’. (Most of these are farming terms, too, which fits with the style of the hobbits.)
I just like cock, okay? *shrug*
A few more archaic curiosities: ‘erection’ often becomes ‘pride’, ‘stand’ (as in ‘cockstand’), or even ‘tend’ (from the Latin for ‘stretch’); ‘cod’ is often used in preference for the scrotum rather than the entire external male genitalia, thus ‘codsack’; and the further back you go, ‘balls’ becomes ‘bollocks’ becomes ‘ballocks’, and also ‘baubles’, ‘knappes’, ‘cullions’ from ‘sceallan’ (shells), and ‘herthan’ (with the ‘herthan-belig’ or testicle-purse). Feel free to Tolkienize the most archaic terms— the -an ending denotes a plural, so change it as you see fit.
One of the best sources I can give you is this excellent book, the sample of which should keep you writing archaic smut for ages before you even consider buying it (which I suggest, if you like these things). I have used it gratuitously here as a source.
Thanks for the interesting question, by the way— and, uh, sorry for sprawling it out into an essay. You might say my answer became… engorged.
Shy Anon revealed.
DUDE YOU ARE AWESOME.
Love this, thank you! Culture is definitely something that should be taken into account. I totally think Dwarven sexual slang would be full of mining and forging and crafting imagery, while the hobbity version would be more agricultural and taken from the natural world. (They absolutely would use “cock” - they have chickens, don’t they?) I think both are rather earthy races who probably have a colorful and varied vocabulary.
Would Tolkien have ever used slang if he ever wrote a sex scene (which he didn’t)? Probably not - but that doesn’t mean his characters wouldn’t! By his own conceit, he was a historian and a translator, and one who didn’t see fit to record such matters. I think, as subcreators, fanfic writers are free to write their own “histories” and “translations” in a different style if they choose, and shine light into the bedchambers, where people generally don’t talk the same way they might at the Council of Elrond.
Why can’t I favourite this more than once.
i didn’t want or need to know any of this information but i’m SO GLAD I READ IT ANYWAY. thank you!!!
far and away the most popular post I’ve ever written on tumblr and it’s about what a hobbit would call his dick
man if that’s not poetic justice then there is no such thing
do you ever feel bad about not feeling bad about something you should feel bad about
(by Matilde Viegas)